The Great Wall

The moment I realized that it was not just about breaking down walls but also putting them up, my fascination with The Great Wall started making sense. I was always looking for a safe space. I think all humans do. For some, the absence of a safe space is often the driving force behind the search and then you start putting up your own walls to create the safe space you long for and instinctively need. You start keeping people out, you exclude yourself from experiences and relationships become almost impossible. Especially the ones we need the most. Good relationships. The Walls in our lives are complicated, the world puts up a wall to reject but the Bible is in strong contrast to this. Jesus says: "Come to me” It means all-inclusive, with no boundaries, and not with an inch of rejection.

My journey with The Wall started in January 2018 when my daughter wanted to know more about my interest in the Great Wall of China. I have always wondered about the Wall and how it came about. Why would someone decide to do this, a 3200km long structure to exclude so significantly, that scientists believed this was the only man-made structure to be seen from the moon! Not true, I know, but it got me thinking about it. My daughter was asking this on holiday and while we were on the beach, she tried to build a great wall in the sand. It was not an easy task and every time she manages to build a proper structure; the waves would come in and flatten her hard work in one stroke. My China! My China! she would shout and run towards her wall desperately trying to put it all back together again and start the process all over.

That day on the beach I realized it was me, that was my story. I was putting up these walls around me and the more I tried to maintain them, the more the waves of the world would interfere.

This process, unfortunately, reached breaking point and was impossible to maintain any longer on the night of 26 May 2014 when my sister committed suicide at the age of 30, leaving behind her 10-year-old son and an already broken family shattered into final pieces. Devastated, destroyed, and instantly changed never to see the world the same again.

The wall around me, that was supposed to protect me from my hurtful, conflict-driven past, came crashing down in a split second and I stood there naked and exposed. Not just to myself but to a process of grief and despair, I did not understand and was not equipped to deal with. I wanted to run away as far as I possibly could to get this feeling out of me, away from my everyday life. I wanted to protect my husband and my two children from this and from me.

Every year on my sister's birthday, I wanted to do something to remember her. At first, it felt unreal and for that whole day, I could not face reality. Denial is such a real and protective space - a safe space - but then as the years went by, it did not feel right to try and forget. I wanted to remember her. I miss her terribly and had no idea how I was going to live knowing she was not a living part of my life anymore! For the first time, I understood the meaning and purpose of a grave and tombstone. When you lose someone you love, you want to go to a place to remember them. I did not have that, due to the circumstances of her death, I did not have a place to go.

My search was underlining and as I journeyed through my grief, I could not let the thought of doing something go. Little did I know that that day on the beach in 2018 was the start of my process of finding this memorable moment. On 26 May 2019, we would have lived without her for 5 years and I wanted this to be something memorable, something I could work towards, and something I could hold onto.

Many people in my community joined the journey and the more I started talking about it the more I realized that this was part of the plan, the inclusive plan, to start breaking down walls and start changing our perspective on the safe space we all long for. For the first time, I allowed people inside my fortress of sadness and hurt, and, at times, excruciating, I got used to the idea that people knew my story. Some did not know how, and that was OK, but others knew how to hold it in the palm of their hands and allowed me to rest for a moment before I took it back and moved on. For that, I was and will always be eternally grateful.

In my search for the event, the memorable moment, I came across a tour operating company that hosts the world's most adventurous marathons, and then I saw it! The Great Wall of China Marathon – is one of the world's most challenging races! The date of the event was 18 May 2019 and then I knew it. This will be my 5-year anniversary memory, my special moment, and a kind of tombstone I could go to, to take flowers, to spend some time remembering her, to miss her, and to wave to her from up there, connecting to her in a really special way.

Running has always been a part of my life but not this kind of running, I was biting off a whole lot more than what I could chew training for this race. My husband and I finally decided on the Half-Marathon and started training every chance we got. Training to be a step closer to a new sort of self that would be able to navigate the walls in my life in a more mature and God-inspired way. The training, physical and emotional was brutal, unforgiving, and, at times, so painful but the more I pushed through the pain the more I survived, and the more I knew that my Maker had a special place in mind for me. His forgiveness and mercy became my new fortress, my resting hall, and my new safe place. He allowed me to build a new wall around my heart, one that protected the inner part of my relationship with Him, and then He broke down the walls of despair and hurt that kept me from His healing all this time. He trained me to let go of some of the unjust parts of my story so that I could start holding on to His beautiful plan for me.

Three days before race day, we stepped onto the Great Wall of China for the first time and after a year of wrestling with the idea that we will be running here soon, I was filled with humility. The feeling of uneven steps below my feet, as we started to climb, and the 5 164 of them in front of me, going up and down for many miles, was a visual picture of the journey I have been on for so long.

Halfway through we came to a structure that did not have the architectural resemblance of a typical watch tower, it looked more like a fortress and it was at this point that I stopped and asked the Lord why I was here? I stood there, wanting to know the true meaning of running away from all the hurt and sadness of my past. Why did I have to come all the way to China! Almost immediately I was inspired to turn around and look back at the way we just came. I heard Him say how beautiful He thinks this picture was, and in His words, I realized that He was talking about my past, the ups and downs of my life build out of uneven steps and hard times against a beautiful backdrop of powerful mountains and green trees. He made me acknowledge how far I have come and that I did survive it all. The next moment filled me with new energy as He instructed me to turn back around and complete my journey, knowing that He is with me and that, even though it will not necessarily be easy, He guarantees that it will be possible through Him who strengthens me. I immediately knew that I was going to be able to finish this race and in the bigger spectrum of things, the ultimate human race.

Being on the wall made me realize that the perspective of my position was always important and that our journey in life is not just about the walls, it is also about what is on the other side, running through the villages and about the people cheering us on along the way.

I remembered my sister that day on the road of the race with so much fondness and love. I spend time thinking about the beautiful human being she was and how she lived and inspired people around her daily to push through the hard times and stay strong. I honored her memory by acknowledging that we were true sisters, chosen by God and that no matter what our past and the world were made of, our relationship was special. I thought of some of our moments together, all our talks and shares, and I could see her running with me, cheering me on.

I celebrated her life by finishing the Great Wall Half-marathon on 18 May 2019 with a big smile on my face and as I ran over the finishing line, I experienced the powerful Grace of God and how much the Cross can and has conquered the Wall.

Written in loving memory of Martelle Elizabeth Brink (5.3.1984 - 27.5.2014). Her absence will affect me forever!

The Wall Foundation was founded on 9 March 2020 as a special and meaningful way to remember Martelle and honor her life. Our initiatives focus on intentionally creating, investing, or providing spaces where individuals can feel safe and empowered. Our aim is to assist in whichever way we can to contribute to an environment where everyone matters and everyone has a place.